4/11/05

Dear Lilly,

            I can't believe it's been three years since you came into my world. It seems impossible to imagine what my days would be like without the infectious giggle, radiant smile, or precious "huggie buggies" of my beloved little pumpkin. As I watch you grow, millions of thoughts race through my mind, bombarding me with endless hopes and worries. I ponder things such as- what will you be like when you mature? How will you look? Who will you become? And, what will you believe in? With each breath you take, I grow more frightened and insecure, mostly about my own short-comings as a father. Just what kind of a Daddy will I be?  Will I always be there for you, and teach you all you need to know to survive in this sometimes harsh world? Will I set good examples and prepare you adequately enough to make the right decisions when it is crucial that you do so?

           Then one evening amidst a rainstorm of self doubt, I had a moment of clarity; the kind where everything makes perfect sense and you are spontaneously gushing with amazing realizations. I realized a way that I could give you ongoing guidance throughout your life, without having to resort to those dreadfully uncomfortable father/daughter discussions. I could write you a handbook that tried to explain the vast complexities of our world, and just maybe, my words might help you navigate through the many trials and tribulations of your adolescence.

              I wish I could tell you that life is always like a fairy tale with a wonderful ending, that good  prevails over evil, and love is everlasting, but that would be far from the truth. Life can be enchanting sweetheart, yet it can also be horrifying. It all depends on how strong and prepared you are.

Every day I read about the heinous tragedies of our planet: the murders, the rapes, the abductions, abusive relationships, addictions, fatal accidents, and deadly diseases. I shudder at the thought that some day you may be confronted with something of this gruesome nature. How can I possibly teach you to stay clear of these dangers? It is a task too great for any one person. Besides, by the time you are ready to learn, I'll probably be the least important guy in your life. Hell, I'll probably be too chicken shit to say any of this to your face anyway; so it's best for both of us if I just write it down.

            In my thirty-three years, I have seen more than my share of personal triumphs, defeats, and heartbreak. I feel it is my obligation to explain to you who I am and everything I have learned throughout my journey. How else could you ever truly know the man who has given you life?  I cannot even fathom how some of these revelations may trouble you, but I can promise you this: everything I have put down on these pages is directly from my soul, and the absolute truth.

            I haven't always been the carefree goofball that you know and love. It's taken me decades to come to grips with my past. I've been an abused child, a runaway, a drug addict, an alcoholic, a thief, a liar, a womanizing frat boy, a self-destructive musician, a college drop-out, a selective mute, a depressed teen, and, at times, even a suicidal adult. Although it pains me greatly to say, there was a time when I simply could not bear to see another day. It was then that an angel came to save me, to pick me up, and show me how to persevere. That angel's name was Lilly Skye. Yes, it was you, and from that moment on things have been very different. The hole in my heart has been healed, and I have been given the most glorious gift- a reason to live.

             This book is a survival guide to help you through this crazy thing we call life, and still be able to maintain your sanity. One night I sat down, pen in hand, to scribble a few helpful tidbits for your future, and from there I never looked back. Nine months later I had multiple notebooks full of my stories, advice, and discoveries. Sometimes I would awaken at three in the morning and blurt ideas into a hand-held tape recorder; other times I'd pull to the side of the road in traffic to jot down my thoughts on a Subway napkin. The words poured out of me faster than my hand could write or my brain could comprehend. 

When I was finally finished, I knew in my heart that what I had was something extraordinary. These notebooks, soaked with my sweat and tears, contained much more than cute stories and amusing anecdotes; they contained all of life's truths as I knew them- with absolutely no bullshit! The truth about boys, sex, love, drugs, alcohol, partying, school, friends, family, popularity, music, teenage angst, depression, money, the media, religion, death, and so much more. I know that when you are finally old enough to read this, it will have a profound and positive affect on your life.

 The only question I have now is, just when will you be ready?  I guess you'll tell me when, not with words but with your actions. When the time comes that you're not my little cuddle bug anymore, when older boys start sniffing around our property, and your nights begin to consist of secretive phone calls and instant messages behind closed doors- I'll know it's time. I'm already dreading those days, but I know that it's just a part of growing up, and someday you will emerge from your bedroom, a beautiful and confident woman. I just want you to know that I'll be counting the seconds until I have my Lilly back in my arms again. I don't care if it takes twenty years. I'll be patiently waiting and just dying to know what you thought of my book. So if the truth is what you seek- then read on my dear.